watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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