Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
