how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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