Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
