saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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