I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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