Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
