Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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