i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
