you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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