Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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