i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
