I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you have to choose: penises or morals?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
