turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
