You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
