I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
