i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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