Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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