Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
