booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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