I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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