Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
