umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
