i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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