I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
