this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
