she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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