i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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