everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
