I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
