4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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