If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
