i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
