i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
