Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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