turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
