I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
