HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
