i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
