I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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