i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize