After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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