can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
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