So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can you bring me the toilet please
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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