i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize