i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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