I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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