I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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