What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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