he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
