Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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