this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
