Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
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The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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