there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
