No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
