I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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