I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
farters have to be the big spoon...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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