Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
