Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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