How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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