i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
