i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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