Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
